Dummies' guide to staying alive

Do you need reminding on how to address your basic human functions? Thank the Lord for smartphones...
Dummies' guide to staying alive

Just in case you didn't already know...

Our smartphones can be much more than a means of posting sepia-toned snaps of breakfast on Instagram. Yes, sir - they can be used for all sorts, and in this instance we’re celebrating the most ridiculous apps and features apparently designed to keep us alive.

To start off with, let’s look at the most redundant apps out there, guaranteed to extend your life expectancy (providing you weren’t already aware of the advice they’re imparting – which you will be).

Remember to drink water

Do you often find yourself feeling thirsty, and have no idea what to do about it? We’ve always believed that drinking water is a good way to combat thirst, and there are a lot of apps out there that can remind you to do so.

They even invite you to track how much water you’ve consumed over the day, just in case counting is beyond your remit. Here’s a couple of our favourites.

Drink Water’s Google Play Store description reads: “The app that helps you drink water properly.” Is there an incorrect way of ingesting water?

Hydro Coach, on the other hand, is asking the big questions: ‘Drinking water regularly is a big challenge in day-to-day life. Hands up – who really drinks enough water every day?’

It’s truly a miracle the human race has made it this far without apps of this value. Drinking water is important – but ‘a big challenge’? Maybe not.

Sleeping is also good for you

Sleeping, just like drinking water, is another thing that’s good for your body, and post-sleep, waking up is generally the aim of the game. If you don’t believe in your smartphone’s inbuilt alarm clock, and would rather pay money to indulge in the joys of sleep, apps are available.

Sleep Now, costing 99p, is ‘perfect for power naps’ reads the app’s description, offering white noise to help you sleep (which sounds delightful). It also features something called a ‘silent alarm’ – maybe the most useless alarm of all time.

If that’s not doing it for you, and perhaps you’re missing mum, you could check out To Bed, which reminds you when you should be going to bed - like a child.

If you’re ever tired in the future, and don’t know what to do, here’s some free advice from us. Close your eyes, and go to sleep.

Practise safe selfies

So, by now you’ve learned the importance of sleeping and staying hydrated, but what about taking photos? Surely there can’t be a wrong way to do that, right? That depends if you’re from Russia or not…

Russia has a selfie problem. People desperate to get the perfect shot to share with friends are putting themselves in dangerous situations. So dangerous, in fact, that dozens of people have died and over 100 have been injured while taking selfies since the start of 2015.

The situation has gotten so serious that the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs has had to issue guidelines on how to not take selfies.

You, personally, may have never put yourself in mortal danger while snapping a cheeky selfie before, but just in case you’re thinking about it, take a few tips from the Russians.

  • Don’t take selfies with wild or dangerous animals like bears or lions. If it’s got lots of sharp teeth or it’s bigger than you, try to resist the urge to put your arm around it.

  • Avoid live weapons. A 21-year-old girl recently held a loaded handgun to her head for a selfie, and accidently pulled the trigger. Thankfully she didn’t die, but once again, this is a bad idea.

  • Try to steer clear of fast moving objects, like trains, for example. This is pretty self-explanatory.

  • Don’t climb up pylons or other high voltage structures in hope of the perfect backdrop. This will not end well for you.

So, there you have it - go forth and live your life in good health. What would you do without us?

What are your thoughts? Join the conversation here…

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